Networking is Like High School and I'm Not at the Cool Kids' Table
I saw something recently (probably on Instagram) about how you really know the character of a person based on how they treat people who can give them nothing.
There is a lot of truth to this. And I’m thankful to say that 90% of the people I met or connected with when I was starting my business (and whom I continue to meet) were in fact gracious, helpful and otherwise treated me with respect and kindness - despite the fact that there was nothing I could do for them (perhaps then, perhaps ever).
So it had been a while before I was in a situation with someone who acted like I was… well, uncool.
I had connected with this person last year via a conference and I admired her from afar - both personally and professionally. This conference was a virtual event, so when I saw her in person recently, I was excited to finally shake her hand and have a real conversation with her.
She didn’t remember me.
OK. It was a year ago. So I gave her some context to our conversation. She had asked a great question during my panel presentation, and when I told her that I was impressed by the question, she replied, “Oh, I ask people that all the time.” OK… so our conversation wasn’t unique to her. Fine, fine.
Unsure where to take the conversation from there, I faded into the background to allow others in the group to lead the conversation. At one point, someone made a comment, and I interjected my opinion. The woman I was originally talking to (and who didn’t know my name by her own account), retorted, “I would never do that,” she said, then leaned in towards the group saying, “Don’t worry, the rest of us are on the same page!”
Who’s worried? What page? Did I say something wrong?
Not one hour before this conversation, I met County Manager, Dena Diorio. This woman probably meets eighty new people every day, so it didn’t surprise me that she did not immediately recognize me from our work two years ago. However, once she realized who I was (with just one data point I gave her), she had meaningful questions for me and thanked me not just for the work I had done for her, but for stopping her to say hello.
Now, however, I physically felt my shoulders go inward and my head drop; I was consciously trying to make myself smaller. I felt embarrassed. Stupid. And just plain bad.
It was like I was the new girl in high school all over again. I didn’t realize I was talking to the most popular girl in school, and the most popular girl in school just made sure I would spend the next four years as a social pariah.
The experience with Dena had left me feeling seen, and this experience undid that.
Now, I know what you’re going to say. Dena’s a politician, she’s supposed to be good at that. But why can’t we all be? You don’t need to know everything about a person to ask them about their family, or to ask them how business is. And you don’t need to know anything to look them in the eye and thank them for saying hello.
For the rest of the event, whenever I saw the “popular girl” walk by my table, I would instinctively look down, or turn to a tablemate and start a conversation. I wanted to appear busy or better yet - invisible - since that’s how I felt. And as much as my brain tried to justify her behavior - there was no justification for it.
I know we are all coming out of the COVID-fog and re-learning how to interact with people again. So perhaps this experience can act as a PSA. When you are ready to be out and social with strangers again, use by the Diorio-equation:
Smile, look them in the eye
Ask them a personal question about their work, or family
Thank them for stopping by to say hello
I know I’ll be doing my best to follow that formula at the next in-person event I attend. In the meantime, I’ll be practicing it in line at Target or Trader Joe’s.
If we can be nothing else in this world, we might as well be kind.
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For more on the dark side of networking, purchase my book This Won’t Be Pretty by clicking here.