Now What?

I don’t have children. However, this book - a dream since I was 6-years-old - feels something close to it. Years of work that culminated in several very (very) painful final months.

I decided to make the best of quarantining alone this year and focus on finishing the book and beginning the editing process. Having never written a book before, I had no idea just what that editing process would look like. My “final” manuscript of about 40,000 words doubled. I needed to find legitimate sources for my data. I re-wrote entire chapters. I cut out entire storylines and characters. I began questioning every sentence and even my own advice. “This sounds so dumb,” I told a friend, “You could just find the answer to this on Google!”

I (not so) jokingly told a few people: “I understand why so many writers become alcoholics.”

Writing a book is not a pretty process and it’s probably why most of us don’t know many authors first-hand. At one point this year I said to my therapist, “I feel like I am in the process of giving birth. I can’t go back now, but I’m also not ready for this next step.” That was a sobering moment.

That next step is now here. My baby is out into the world and - so far - no one has called my baby ugly or dumb. I feel relief that there is a weighty, physical thing that I can hold in my hands and say, “Yes, I made this.” It’s something that will continue to exist even if I and my business do not.

But of course, it’s on to the next thing. More than one person has said to me: Congratulations on this major accomplishment! Now what’s going to fill your time? In all honesty, nothing, I hope. Maybe I’ll get back to writing poetry. A haiku sounds like a refreshing change of pace.

For now, I’ve placed my book on my bookshelf among my dozens (maybe 100) of books that have traveled with me for decades. Every now and then when I walk past it and catch my name on the spine, I smile.

For me, that’s what’s next. I hope someone (who isn’t my mom) reads this book and smiles to his or herself. And maybe they think - when they didn’t think it was possible before - to start a new chapter in their own lives.

If I’ve inspired someone else’s “next,” then I’ll be more than content with that.