My Story Needs Editing, and It Sucks

I wrote a book.

I was really proud of that book.

I began to market that book.

Then, one of the main characters and I decided to (Mutually? Is that an actual thing?) go our separate ways.

“You should write a chapter about what happened,” my sister said. “Dude. No. This isn’t a book about my romantic relationships,” I replied.

“Woah! What a crazy twist,” my publisher in Australia (Tom), said. “Dude. No. This is my life. I don’t want it to have crazy twists,” I replied.

This past month, on the outside, it probably looked like things were rocking and rolling. My book was released, I was getting SO much support and praise from friends near and far - and even people who barely know me signed up for more pre-orders than I felt I deserved. But all I wanted to do was shut off my phone, pull my hoodie tight over my head, eat cool ranch Doritos and watch seven hours of “Schitt’s Creek” on Netflix. I didn’t want to promote my book. I sure as hell didn’t want to be on social media. I wanted to sleep. And cry. And scream into a pillow and maybe beat it with a baseball bat (rage therapy is real and it works).

Our stories - the story of who we are and how we came to be - are big themes in therapy circles with thanks to the Oprah’s and Brene Brown’s of the world. When we own our stories, we own ourselves and become better, more mentally healthy and aware people. But it also sucks - which is why most people avoid doing it (I know I did).

Owning my story took a long time - almost 35 years. And I felt really proud of that story (even the yucky parts). Now I had to edit it.

What happens when your story needs editing? What parts do you change? Or do you pretend it just never happened and delete, delete, delete…

The thing is, deleting any part of our story - people, events, even entire years of our lives - deletes ourselves. We grow more whole by these experiences - even when it feels like they are breaking us apart.

I won’t delete the fact that my (now ex) boyfriend was the reason I started my business. There is no one else in this world who could receive that credit. When I was hearing, “Wow, that’s very brave. Are you sure?” (from co-workers) and “I don’t support this decision, young lady,” (from my dad), Ben was telling me “You can do this. Just take it one step at a time.”

While most days I’ve felt sad, and at times angry, there is one emotion that I choose to lean towards and that I know will support me like a life raft in the coming weeks and months: gratitude. Gratitude for meeting someone who led me to a better place in my life. I also choose to believe that this ending was meant to be. No matter how much talking you do, at the end of the day, no one can out-talk destiny. Perhaps someone else needs his support and inspiration. Perhaps my love and compassion is needed elsewhere.

And perhaps things are meant to come together and fall apart for very specific reasons. (Also, that may be a Taylor Swift song. Been listening to a lot of her lately).

In the meantime, I’ll continue writing this story and writing the characters - the ones that are permanent and the ones that are perhaps a catalyst for something bigger.

Now. Let’s see what’s on the next page…